Dear Diary,

I'm leaving fairly soon for school and I'm excited to the thousandth degree. Currently, to prepare myself, I'm listening to some perfectly perfect music and checking facebook. I know I should be A) doing laundry, B) cleaning my room, C) packing, D) sleeping, or E) all of the above. I just can't resist the urge to drain my battery, both physically and computerly. 

Genette is doing a better job of doing what needs to be done. She has boxes piled in the hallway, on the steps, in the front room, in the kitchen, on the dining room table... Well, maybe it's not that bad, but I have to maneuver my body in an unnatural way to gain access to the bathroom. It's to be expected, though. I mean, its got to be hard transporting 24 years from one state to another. It's strange that she's moving. I'm not sure that I like it. When she stayed at school I was guaranteed visitation on breaks and during the summer, but she'll be in Virginia year long. Mom wants her to visit every 3 months, but I don't know if that'll happen. I might have to twist her arm to come home for my birthday. Tomorrow she leaves.

Oh... my birthday... the day I turn old...

When did I grow up? I mean, really. Geez... It kind of freaks me out. Scratch that-- it really freaks me out. My reasoning is kind of morbid, so I won't go into it, but... Ugh. I don't want to grow up anymore. I remember, when I was younger, thinking that those college kids were so cool, and so mature. Now that I'm here, I don't feel cool and my maturity is seriously lacking. Now I'm wondering if kids think that I'm cool and mature-- I don't think it's possible. I've never felt more unsure than I do at this point in my life. Will I always feel like this? The older you get, the more you realize that insecurities never leave even if your physical self ages. This is depressing.

Right now the thing that freaks me out the most is my brother. He has this girlfriend. They're pretty serious. Marriage keeps coming up. 9/9/09 keeps coming up. WHAT?!?!?! Bryon is 21. A year from now he could be married? If my brother is thinking about marriage at 21, that's just one year from where I am right now. That could be me. Just thinking about it gives me heart palpitations. Hah. That doesn't sound healthy, but it's the truth. Maybe I have a fear of commitment/the future. He's just so young... and a year is so soon... I could never imagine that. I'm going to finish school before I even pretend to think about marriage.

Marriage is a big deal. It's a commitment for the rest of one life to be with another, and that is huge. So, I'm willing to take my time. Feeling as unsure and immature as I do now, how am I supposed to know who I'm going to stay with forever? It's strange because I know a lot of people my age getting married. Actually, one got married today. Really, I don't think it's normal how much marriage freaks me out.

I'm going to stop talking about this. I'm exhausted and I don't want to have nightmares.

Carmen.

*Edit.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." C.S. Lewis