Love.

Oh, the things I find when I look through old papers.

"Sometimes I pretend to know what it's like to fall in love-- usually after watching some sappy chick-flick-- because, to be honest, I've never experienced it. I imagine it's like constant happiness. Like a lifetime of sunshine packed into every second. Like the perfect snowfall. Like a good book. Like rain. Like every good thing that makes me smile. It has to be hard. Love. It must be hard deciding who to love, or how much to love, or if it's worth it. But when I imagine it, it has to be worth it. I imagine a heart skipping a beat. Sweaty hands. Stammered words. Loss of breath. Symptoms of a heart attack. I could be wrong about love. Maybe it's ordinary, gradual, almost unnoticeable. I'm no expert, but if I haven't experienced it yet and it's so strived for, there has to be a snowfall/rain/book/sunshine effect; if not, then why would I want it? I have to imagine it's special and something worth waiting for because if it's not, I'll be sorely disappointed. I always viewed love as life changing. Earth shattering. Maybe this is the thinking of a naive girl. Maybe I won't ride in a pumpkin carriage or get awakened from a deep sleep by a kiss but I don't really need this. I just want goose-bumps. Shivers. That startled feeling like when thunder rolls. My brother says he's in love. So does my sister. I think this to be completely bizarre. How do they know what love is? How do I get it? How will I know? What if love isn't like what I'm expecting and I miss it? Wouldn't that be terrible. To miss love. Sometimes I think I'll miss it. Sometimes I think I have missed it. Really, I imagine I'll just know. That stupid "love at first sight", deep down inside I believe this. I hate myself for believing this. I know it's not true and I tell myself it's not true, but I still go on believing it. I like to think I'm entitled to believe this since I've never experienced it. I don't know any better. More than anything, I wish I get it. I'm missing out and I know it. It's too bad there needs to be another person in order to love, because without this person, I'm stuck. Maybe that's what makes it so special. But I want to be unstuck. I want sunshine. I want snow."

--Carmen