It Is Good.

A funny situation. Last night I had to finish some homework assignments after work. In my health class we have a semester-long assignment called a "lifestyle modification opprotunity" which is code for "I'm going to make you wish you were dead". I had this contract to fill out, I need to drink more water, very specific goals, it's just a lot of bs.

One of the assignments was to find a book/website that will help me acheive my goal. Last night, I totally forgot to fill out that little line so while I was in class, I make up a website that sounds like it would pertain to my goal and hope it would end up being a website that would pertain to my goal. There was a lot of wishing and hoping going on.

After two tests, three classes and several assignments, I get home. Oh, I should check out that website, I think to myself.

http://www.waterisgood.com Please check this out. You won't be sorry. I will be.

That's so unfortunate. Yet, it's hilarious. There's a large chance that my teacher will remove points for that. In fact, he's so anal, he might just fail me completely.

Hahaha. It's so funny. That just might be the highlight of my day.


Bury us, they said.
Carmen.

#1 stressor

My brain is to the point of actually hurting from studying. Sometimes I just hit a point where focusing is just so hard. I have two tests tomorrow and there is so much information to learn for both of them that my mind is starting to shut down because I don't want to deal with it. This semester is already proving to be tough because not only will there be tests but lots and lots of homework. How did I survive all the other semesters?

So, this is my break. I have to be in at work by 4 and I figure taking a half hour to not find the definition of ethnography, what the half-life of carbon is, or what strategies will increase my life by x% will be okay. I just feel like there's so much I don't know that I'm starting to worry about how I'll do on these tests. There's just so much.

Last night I sent in my application to Catawba, all my transcripts will be in by tomorrow and I will receive a response in three weeks as to whether or not I'll be attending. I just started to think about the chances of not getting in. Honestly, this is the only school I want to go to. How much would it suck if I couldn't go? But I'm so relieved to have everything on its way. All worries aside, I'm very excited. For all the times I think about not getting in, I triple that with thinking of getting in. Optimism.

The worst part of taking a break is taking my break to think about how much time I'm wasting by taking a break.

If I had some coffee this break would be complete. Then it would be a coffee break. If I had some cheese and bread it would be a grilled cheese coffee break. And then add a book and... wait, what was I talking about?


The sizzle you hear is not the cheese burning, it's my brain.
Carmen.

A Good Monday?

I'm not kidding. Today is good. Though, looking from the outside, it might not look that way. I had a math test, I've been doing math homework for the past hour and a half (I'm still not done), I have an anthropology assignment to finish, geology homework to submit, a health quiz to study for-- and today is still a good day!

I came home after my math test, my head was throbbing and lately I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick. This feeling is a lot worse than actually being sick since you don't know if it's actually a sickness and when you act sickly you can't use the excuse "I might be sick, but not at the moment." So, I have a lot of homework to get done, I'm exhausted (sleeping has been difficult for me lately), and I think I have work later. I try to figure out the order of events to determine the order of priorities. #1. Nap. That's how tired I was. But before I do this, I decide to call work to make sure I'm on the schedule. "Hey, Carmen." Hey, Allyson. Do I work today? "Nope, not today." Thank you, Allyson. Thank you, Jesus.

I run downstairs to tell my mom my happy news, "I can sleep for more than an hour!" And I left just as quickly as I had come and went to bed. An hour and a half of sleeping and the rest of the day to finish my pile of homework. The happiness I feel for not working outweighs the mound of books that would normally pain me.

So. I have a lot of homework, but I have the whole day to do it. It's just so great.


It is not good for me to be alone.
Carmen.

Process ---> Worth

My skin creates canyons and this is a reason as to why I'm ready for the cold weather to be over. A simple solution would be to apply lotion-- but then that would also cure my lazy nature and I'm not willing to give that up.

This weekend has been a little crazy. Saturday, after work, I went with Emily, Ashley and Sara to get my tragus pierced. Well. It hurt. Don't let anyone tell you it doesn't; however, it didn't hurt any more than I expected.

Every other piercing I've had done was at Claire's. They use those stupid guns and all the earrings are 18 and the piercing they do there is for, well, people who shop at Claire's. Eight piercings I've had done at Claire's. Now that I'm all grown up [scoff] I had to go to a grown up place since I was going with other grown ups who go to these grown up places to get their grown up piercings done. I've never seen a tragus piercing done before and since I've never actually been to a grown up piercing/tattoo place before, I was a little freaked out when Stacy, the woman handling the metals and the causer of pain, asked me to lay down. Uh, sure. Act casual. I do this all the time. After all I have eight other holes in my head. I'm cool. Just lay down.

I'm freaking out. I'm laying on this surgical table and wish I could squeeze someones hand. I do have a high pain tolerance but it makes me less nervous if I have someone there who won't think I'm a dork if I squeeze their hand. The reason why I'm so nervous? I convince myself that this will be worse than it really is so when the metal is pushed through my ear, it doesn't hurt as much as I expect. Another reason why I'm so nervous? Emily got hers done right before me and hers was bleeding a little-- that's normal-- Stacy says "well, caffeine will cause it to bleed more." Crap. Blast whoever convinced me I needed to work at a coffee shop! I definitely had coffee before I got off of work. I was a little worried I would bleed profusely.

Stacy is amazing, by the way. Go to Nikki's Tattoo if you need a body modification.

I take about three deep breaths (thanks, yoga, for teaching me how to breathe) and then pain. I don't know what she's doing but it's taking a long time. I guess she puts the needle in, then follows with the earring-- after this I thought it would be over. No, she's still doing things. Are those pliers?! Don't get me wrong, as she kept messing with my ear I expected to feel pain with every move but there wasn't any. I experienced the big *pain* factor and then it gradually subsided. Everyone is different, but the pain was worth it. I love it. The best part was that she goes "this is what it looks like when you don't have caffeine." Uh, that's odd because I just got off of work. "Uh...?" I work at a coffee place. "Oh. Really?" Hah. My ear didn't bleed and I didn't cry.

And as of right now, it doesn't hurt. It is a little tender when I clean it and move it but I expected worse.


Now, I'm broke.
Carmen.

"Mmm." My content noise of the day.

If I take out the part of today that I was standing outside waiting for the bus between 5:30 and 6:15 in the very, very cold-- today would have been the best all around good day. I don't get good days much. I'm not saying I always have bad days, but today was just good: I had school-- I enjoyed it. This is very exciting. I'm not really sure when I started to like learning from 8:30-1:45 but I do and I like liking it-- I went out to eat with some friends who I don't get the chance to hang out with much but thankfully our schedules allow us to cross paths every Tuesday and Thursday, I learned to eat with chop sticks, went to NoDa and to some amazing antique shops and then I went to wait for the bus (which never showed up) but thank God for a dad who is willing to save me when I get stranded.

Its just been an exceptional day; nothing hurried, I didn't have anywhere to be and only a few homework assignments to finish.

There is an awkward movie on TV and it's kind of bringing down my good day.

A good thing did happen while I was waiting on the bus, which is probably why I'm not sore with the bus company. At one point, in the freezing weather, some chap drives by in this ugly beige/skin tone colored yacht of a car, his window down and he is blasting some hardcore/hippy music. That wasn't even the best part, he looked like a Beatles reject. Just imagine the classic Beatles cut, make it a little longer and that was this kid. He was amazing. What made it even better was that he made a U-turn so I could get a second look. It was great.

Good days put me in a good mood.


Do you guys ever picture your friends naked? (--heather)
Carmen.

Jan 22 2008

I bought the music machine. It looks grand; mostly because it looks like it belongs in the 1920s. It's every musical device compact into one wooden box. Cds, cassettes, records, radio, and I can hook up my mp3. It was created and God said, "It is good". I am definitely going to name him.

I'm getting something punctured very soon. Saturday? I don't know, but whenever I talk to Ashley I get a very strong urge to get tattoos and holes in my head. I've always wanted to get my nose pierced and I had a dream about it the other night. The only thing keeping me from doing this is my job. I like my job. I don't want to lose it because I don't have any self control.

My transcripts are being sent out tomorrow!! I'm kind of freaked out but too excited to care.

On my myspace I have a picture currently up showing my face with a bare shoulder. From that one picture I have had quite a few comments about the nakedness of the photo. What? Half of my shoulder is showing so now everyone thinks I'm naked. But who cares? Would it make everyone feel better if I told them that I'm clothed beneath the angle of the camera? Does it make a difference? It just amazes me the things people perceive with only seeing a small section of, in this case, my shoulder.

I'm still on my blackless-clothing streak. I'm working very hard. Today I even wore white. Yeah. It's crazy.

There's no food. The only things I have ingested is a piece of pound cake that I had with my coffee and a scoop of ice cream. I am starving and I have a huge headache.

I'm learning some cool stuff. I think I'm finally getting to the 'meat' of my education. Once you get past all the basics, all the fun academics come out to play. I have heard some of the most interesting things in my anthropology class. Some of the most bizarre things come up in discussion; like, cross breeding humans and chimps, altering genetics to get customized babies, guys growing beards so that woman know they're a man, gorillas getting it on behind a rock--crazy things, interesting things. Many schools and just people in general think that evolution is a touchy subject so it's never discussed, this class is basically all about evolution and I think it's nice to really know what I'm not believing in. It's just very, very interesting.


If these are the black gates of hell, then I'm sorry for the life I've wasted.
Carmen.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I wanted it so much and now I wish I never got it.

I never got to see Haste the Day. I never got my $15 back. I never got to be pretty.

My CD player crapped out on me. Actually, I don't even think it can be called a CD player because when I got it for Christmas (oh, seven years ago) it was referred to as a "boom box". Yeah. I think I got it when Walkmans were still cool. Now my boom box decided to give up and not to fight the good fight any longer. I kept trying to hit the 'next' button, after the thirtieth try of nothing happening the button got sucked into the plastic interior. No more next button. I then tried to turn it off. And again. And again. And again. Finally I just got so fed up I unplugged the entire thing. Now I'm in search of something that will play CDs and isn't too ugly. I did find a music machine that will play CDs and records. Maybe I can also retire my huge record player that has speakers the size of a large cow. Now that I no longer have my stereo, I realize how much I love my music. Listening to the radio only holds so much joy.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, listening to music, not thinking, not wanting to think, just blinking and breathing, I feel like I'm missing something. Someone.

I haven't worn a black shirt once to school. If you know me, this is a big deal. Lots of blues and greens and whites.

Martin Luther King Jr. is amazing not just because of the changes he sparked throughout the world and in the hearts of many people but he also got me out of school. Thank You.


--Carmen

Snow Day! ...just kidding.

Alright, I admit it, I mention coffee just about every time I write something on here and it's even annoying me. However, I find that there is a permanent coffee smell in all of my clothing. Or maybe in my skin. I'm just saying that it would be nice to smell like flowers every once in a while.

School is amazing. My first story is a tale of absurdity. Every school in NC is closed due to some rain and a little snow. I look forward to this rain and snow every year because this is the only time I can declare a "snow day" because, well, I think I was nine the last time we had some really good snow worth having a snow day over. I don't think it's too much to ask for; just that one day that school is canceled and I can pretend I'm in New York. Every school is closed. Even UNC is closed. Who is still up and kicking? That's right, Central Piedmont. In all three classes today there was maybe half the amount there should be. It was disappointing because I had already set my dial for sleep-in mode but it was kind of nice having a few extra minutes to watch crazy drivers from the Starbucks window while eating a bagel and drinking... well... coffee. This second story isn't really a story at all. Just one of those little things that excite me. Ready? Everything is interconnected! My geology class relates to my anthropology class, my anthropology class relates to my communication class that I took last semester. It's crazy that we're talking about absolute time and culture in more than two classes. So... this probably doesn't seem that exciting... but... shut up.

I love being in a good mood.

I really would like to get to the library at some point. It's just rainy enough to give me the hankering to go. I was going to take the bus there from school but... wait, why didn't I go?

Sometimes I wish the world revolved around me a little. This is not to boost the self-esteem but to make me feel less self righteous. Let me explain. Despite my effort to reverse the way I think, I always think that everything has to do with me. To be honest, I don't know if this is normal. It's kind of like when I was young and I liked this guy and from that point on I just knew that everything he did had to do with me because he liked me too. But the only problem with that was that he didn't like me and I just had it in my head that just because he said "hello" he was in love with me. Now, just take this concept and apply it to just about everything. I automatically think that everyone knows me and they all love me (even though a good percentage of them do) but this isn't necessarily true. Kind of like when I go through an entire semester, I sit in the same seat, I show up to every class, I know the teacher knows me but when they ask me for my name I'm a little shocked. I just naturally assume that everyone knows me. Now, the reason that I want the world to revolve around me even just a little, would make some of this true which would make me not quite so imaginative or self obsessed. I'm just tired of thinking "oh, he did that because of me" or "she showed up because of me" and then, obviously, be wrong. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Most of the time I should be ignored.

I like learning. I like being smart. But I don't want to be perceived as one who likes to learn or smart. I don't know why that is.


Save me from your followers.
--Carmen

What's Going On?

Well. The first week of classes isn't even over and I already have a ton of homework. What's that all about? What happened to the easing? Easing is not overrated. In fact, I find easing very... easing. But what's awesome about all of my classes is I'm not worried about any of them. It's a great feeling. Aside from my homework pile the size of St. Helen, I think this semester could be interesting.

The future is scary. Not only do I get old but I have be responsible. I'm sending out applications to several different schools, and this makes me nervous. What makes me more nervous is knowing that after I get my degree I have to be smart. I just have to know things. And I have to work (although, the work part is a good thing since I love what I do). But it just freaks me out. When do people grow up? Where does it all change? All I know is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life working to pay bills.

Scariest thing that has happened all week: on Sunday Sara and I changed the color of our hair and then we dressed crazy and went out to take pictures. I haven't used my camera in a couple of months since the charger for my batteries disappeared (insert sad noise here). I finally bought a new charger, went out to take pictures and the photos always appeared blurred but they came out clear. I seriously thought there was something wrong with my eyes. I mean, to the point of being worried. It turns out there is nothing wrong with my eyes but something wrong with my camera which, personally, seems worse. So, I can't go on any downtown adventures until I get it looked at. It sucks. I feel sorry for my camera.

I met someone new today and I enjoy her a lot.

I'm also excited that I'll be able to see Kevin on a semi-regular basis.

Lately, I've been feeling kind of ho-hum and a little blah. But for some reason I'm excited about my classes and the people that I'm meeting. Life is fooling me into thinking it might be okay.

Uh. I love coffee. I don't think I can express this enough. I just... love... coffee.

Scary Kids. Haste the Day. This Saturday. At Tremont. It'll be amazing.

NoPantsMan goes to my school! Every time I go to Tremont, I see this guy who is always plastered and his pants are always falling off. The last time I saw him, I saw way too much of him, hence the nickname NoPantsMan. Today, when I was talking with Kevin, I saw NoPantsMan! I desperately wanted to go up to him and say, "Hey, I've seen your butt before." Then we'd hit it off and I'd buy him a belt and then we could call him BeltedPantsMan.


Thee before thou, accept after thine.
--Carmen

...if you'd refer back to the syllabus...

To further prove that I am not crazy, today I had two different people listen to my knee snap. I grossed one out and got the advice to "get that checked out". The only advice I got from my sister was "haha". Thanks, Genette. What a pal. What a friend.

First day of classes. This statement sounds better than it really is. It was rainy today and I just felt as though there hadn't been a break at all. I'll give the lowdown: math will be achievable. My teacher sounds very helpful and he says he'll do everything he can to get us to pass. Health will be very humorous. A friend took this class with the same teacher and has told me some very interesting stories (Understatement of the Year-- come on down and claim your prize!). Anthropology will be interesting. It sounds intense but I think the overall learning part will be beneficial and interesting. As far as the wax goes-- little to none. This is disappointing, to say the least. Maybe I overlooked someone, but I'm usually very good with sensing the wax.

I'll be going to the Haste the Day/Scary Kids Scaring Kids/Drop Dead, Gorgeous concert and I believe it will be amazing.

Hah. My sister just threatened to tell on me for not helping clean out the dishwasher. How old is she again? 23? Really? I could've swore, just then, that she was twelve.

One more new class to experience tomorrow which really isn't new since it is the second part of a two part class. Geology, how could I ever live without you?

"'Life sucks', you can quote me on that if you'd like."-D. Brown
--Carmen

My knee is a symphony of snap, crackle, and pop.

I've heard that students taking psychology or those in medical programs tend to experience symptoms of what is being discussed or from patients. Of course, this is psychological and those students don't really have heart murmurs or are manic/depressive. I'm sure there is a word seven syllables long that sums up this situation.

One of my New Years Resolut-- I mean, Perpetual Life Alterations, is to finish half read books and those that I have yet to partially read and thus becoming half read books. This goal is working fairly well since I've finished one half read book and completely read another. This is keeping me up until 2am but I'm thinking that it might be worth it.

The book that I read from start to finish (instead of finish to start) had a character that had a knee injury and thus dealt with this problem throughout the book. Shortly after learning about said knee injury I started having trouble with my knee. My first thought is that I am one of those crazy people with that seven syllable word. I shrug it off. Even if I am one of the crazies, the pain will go away with time. Well, I've finished the book and my knee still hurts. It's actually getting worse. I found out today that when I walk up and down the steps my knee cracks. I know this can't be normal because, well, it's never done this before.

The good news: I don't have a psychological issue.
The bad news: my knee is really having problems.

Change in Subject

School starts tomorrow and I don't think I've realized it yet. But I am excited purely because I know that when the semester is over, it will be summer. I have so many plans for the summer but I don't know if they will all work out (road trip, a math class, counselor for CQ, summer theatre carpenter/seamstress, FCP). This summer I really feel like something is going to happen. I mean, something worth happening. There is a huge chance this feeling is just that. A feeling. I always have expectations and I usually get the expectations that something will happen when ever I leave the house-- but there's just something about this summer... Anyway, I think I've rambled enough.

Five words is all it would take.
--Carmen

Cleanliness is next to Super-Cleanliness

I love the way showering makes me feel; especially if I'm feeling extremely disgusting beforehand. If I don't shower in the morning, for the rest of the day I feel gross and lazy. I'm not quite sure why being lazy is a side effect, but it is and it is almost as bad as feeling gross (if not worse).

Showering at night is the best. When everyone is asleep and there isn't a chance of my running out of hot water, I might stay in the shower over 15 minutes. In the mornings my showers are about 10 minutes and don't supply any life altering experiences--although, if the water is cold, there is a chance I will alter someone else's life. The house is quiet and no one needs me for any reason and there isn't any rush since the only thing I'll have to do is sleep, I can take as much time as I wish.

The downside to showering late at night is the energy it gives. I feel clean, I feel good, I feel as though I need to go out. This is a feeling not easily dismissed and it is a bit disappointing when nothing is open and no one is awake. So, ultimately, this encourages the laziness because, what else is one to do with such energy?

Addressing the question above, I would suggest starting a blog of some type. This is what I have done and this supplies the appropriate source for my energy to flow and looking at the computer for an extended period of time makes my eyes quite sleepy.

When one experiences the late night shower and the effect it gives, it isn't hard to understand when it is said, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." Try it and see if you don't feel next to God.


This must be what heaven is like. Feeling clean all the time? It's perfect.
--Carmen

The art of Recalling.

I know I said I would be writing my scary essay, however, I have little to no inspiration. The only thing running through my head is how important this is-- I'm almost positive I'm putting too much onto this but my brain is thinking that getting into school is harder than it really is. Maybe I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself so that I will miss the opportunity to send in my application and blame not getting accepted on my procrastination instead of my inability to write papers and lack of experience. But, I know that if I don't send in this application my parents will tan my hide and I'll be at a community college for another semester and I definitely don't want that.

Wow. I just talked myself into the benefits of getting this paper done. I'll be tackling this as soon as I'm done with this post. It's amazing what a little self-reflection can do. Well, that and the fear of my parents. The fear of my mom.

6:30 is the time I awoke. The weather has a strange ability of waking me up. It wasn't even raining; it was just extremely windy. I'm staring out the top half of my window since the bottom half is blocked by my air condition unit. The trees were going crazy. They were having a techno-rave except without any music (and I'm a little offended that I wasn't invited). I was laying in the dark just watching the trees have their moments of fun and then my next thought was "Dear Jesus, please don't let my window blow in." The only thing separating my room from the outside are two small pieces of foam and duct tape. Probably ten minutes pass and I run through all the events that would take place if my window did blow in. 1. I would probably freeze, 2. I would have to run down stairs and find some type of tape, 3. Run back upstairs and figure out a way to repair my window while getting attacked by the wind, 4. there would be the possibility of that hornets nest getting into my room so I'm not really sure how I would handle that one but some screaming would probably be involved and the retrieving of parents. After ten minutes of watching the party and running through every bad scenario I turn up my Coldplay CD loud enough to block out the sound of the wind and the sound of my mother making coffee and I go back to sleep.

I was frozen to the core. I am still freezing. I'm wearing my man-pants and a hoodie and I'm still cold. I can't feel my feet. I might cause some mischief and push some buttons on that thermostat to see if I can unfreeze myself. The worst part of having a cold house is showering. I think it's going to be amazing to pump boil water through the spout but right when I step out I'm an ice cube. It's an issue that I've been trying to address for years but the senator hasn't replied to any of my emails.

Xanga is probably my favorite type of blogging system and I was looking over some of my old entries-- check it:

Thursday, January 05, 2006
I hate it when I feel like I have to impress people. Like, "Hey, I'm having fun without you" and this is lame. I felt this last Tuesday and it sucked. And then I was sad-- I don't know for sure why, but if it was because of what I think it is: I suck. Carmen, get over it!

Time goes on but it's amazing how things rarely change.

It's that feeling you get when you come home from a hard days work and you take off your clothes and you're just, "Ahh..."
--Carmen

Resolute?

It's so bizarre being home so early. We closed the store an hour early and it makes me feel off-- but I'm not complaining, thank you New Years.

So, this New Years Resolution thing seems to be fairly popular. I know it's a tradition to make a list of goals to make through the year and only complete 2% of it. I hear the stereotypical "lose weight", "exercise", and those goals are extremely admirable but only if they're completed. So, this year I'm making a list; I've never made a list before. I'm putting a lot of thought into these numbered items so that they are realistic and achievable. So far I only have eight. There are actually a couple of dumb ones on here-- so dumb, in fact, that I feel stupid for even listing them on this blog but some others include exercising [yoga is included. I'm going to keep up with this because even if I can't make it to a gym I can still feel good.], finish my half read books [I've started this already and I'm doing fairly well-- however, I keep buying more books so I'm fighting an uphill battle], plan my clash-bang road trip, do more writing and this list continues on. I'm pretty sure I'll end up adding more as I scratch some off. Maybe "New Year's Resolution" isn't the right title; it's more like "Perpetual Life Alterations".

I'm writing my scary college essay tomorrow. I'm actually extremely nervous about this. To be honest, why would they want me at their college? What can I contribute? I feel so dumb writing this. I'm pretty sure I can come up with the body of the paper-- but what about the beginning?How does it all start? If anyone at all has any help with how to start a paper of this nature, some ideas would be great.

To continue with my Perpetual Life Alterations I think that adding "be more diligent with studies" would be stupid. Honestly, my grades were better than I could ask for and if I push myself any more I'll fall off the cliff. I'm not putting anything about cleaning on there because I know I won't follow through. I might add something about my attitude. Maybe something about trying to make time for friends-- I realize I miss everyone and as school gets tougher time will not be as accessible. I just added 'seek out theatre opportunities'.

I want to be a pirate. Maybe that should be added to the list...

I realized I haven't looked at a computer since the 29th. It's pretty impressive, if you think about it.


This is no stage for
--Carmen